


Perfect Little Girl

by AquaEclipse



Series: In the Mind of a Maniac - Yours Truly [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Don't Judge Me, Don't Like Don't Read, Don't Try This At Home, Education, Gen, High School, Hong Kong, How Do I Tag, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, I Love You, I Made Myself Cry, Inspired by Real Events, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Nerdiness, Please Don't Hate Me, Poetry, Real Life, School, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-25 17:49:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20728298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AquaEclipse/pseuds/AquaEclipse
Summary: Don't think that life as a academic is easy. It's arduous, and only the strongest can survive. And I fear that I may not be one of them.





	Perfect Little Girl

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Strict parenting, academics, stress, mental breakdown, real life.

You tell me  
Get off your phone  
Stop the music  
It'll impact your scores  
I'm disappointed in you  
I regret my life choices  
Are you not afraid of death, (dumb child)?

Your heart fills with bitterness  
And mine with more misery

Am I not good enough for you?  
Not good enough grades?  
Not hardworking?  
Not a procrastinating phoneaholic?  
Not your perfect little girl?

If I were to be your perfect little girl  
I'd be a diligent, wise academic  
But there would be no more to my name  
Other than grades and reputation  
For a perfect little girl I would be,  
I would be enthusiastic, obedient  
With little time for my hobbies  
Even for when you claim  
You can do what you like  
ONCE you are done with your studies  
But studies are not to be completed  
So easily, so quickly, in 10th grade

You impacted me  
Your high standards became mine  
You think I don't care much for academia  
But do I?

Being your perfect little girl  
Is no easy task  
When juggling being myself  
At the same time

You don't see the silent tears  
Every other afternoon  
When it feels too much to handle  
Too big shoes to fill  
Hours of tears, writing, rants  
Much of which you never hear

For being your perfect little girl  
Is too much for me  
I know this  
As I fret in anxiety almost every day  
To keep up, to work hard, to be "good enough for university"  
To be the perfect little girl of your dreams

For under the cheerful, airheaded demeanor  
Lies an emotional wreck

Sometimes I wonder whether it is worth it

To flee from responsibility is no option for me  
For non-academic sister and friends  
Need me to help keep them afloat  
The world needs me  
But losing my individuality, being your pawn  
Is not a choice, for I have tried and failed to cage my gale  
Several times in childhood  
The world needs me  
Suicide and self-harm? Nowhere on my to-do list  
The world needs me  
So as I tread through No Man's Land  
To try to be your perfect little girl but still be me  
I know I need a hand to hold on to  
Lest I drown in my abyss of despair

The most I get  
Is often a tissue or two  
As my classmates ask  
If their resident  _hok baa_ is okay  
She isn't, but she lies through her teeth  
And for the friends she trusts enough to confide in  
Half are not at high enough calibre to compare  
The rest are too far away to help with more than encouraging words

Lazy  
Overachiever  
Addicted  
Broken

And why a girl is phoneaholic  
Is to turn from the duties for just a little while  
To make things less serious  
To numb her mind from the pain  
And you attempt to take my drug from me  
To return me to my harsh truth

I DO want to be your perfect little girl  
But with too many risk factors to consider, I'm not perfect enough for you

**Author's Note:**

> A "hok baa" (學霸, lit. dominant in learning, Cantonese romanization) is Chinese slang for someone who works hard and is skilled at one or more subjects. Its equivalent in Western society would be "nerd", except the phrase carries positive connotations instead of negative ones.
> 
> EDIT: Grammatical errors plus additional notes. Perhaps why I am willing to do this… is due to being self-critical…


End file.
